White House Security: Secret Service to be Replace by Nightclub Bouncers

In response to a recent incident where a lone individual was able to hop the White House fence and gain entrance to the White House armed with a knife, President Obama has decided to begin looking at other sources of security.  Further investigation reveals that Secret Service agents responsible for guarding the White House were engrossed in a heated game of Minecraft.


President Obama has decided to look to the private sector for alternatives.  Some of these alternatives seem unorthodox but the President has stated his case clearly:

"Look, it's a complicated situation.  Security is a very important concept; One that Ronald Reagan took very seriously." After about 4 minutes of mentioning names of other Republicans, in a clearly futile attempt to win over a segment of the population still convinced that he is a Communist Muslin from Kenya, he got to the point.

"I've been thinking of perhaps hiring nightclub bouncers.  They are extremely adept at preventing people with knives from entering establishments.  And let's not forget about WalMart door greeters.  No one is better at sniffing a rat than someone who greets WalMart shoppers for a living.  The beauty of it all, is they both lack integrity and work for just above minimum wage!"

President Obama then mentioned something about having to go because Michelle was back, and abruptly hung up.  We have been trying to reach the President's press secretary, Robert Gibbs without success.  Gibbs did text us saying he was unavailable for a call because he had already reached his talk time minutes, which have been reduced due to federal recent budget cuts.