St. Louis, MO: When Bryan Robbers first set his eyes on the
Nintendo Entertainment system is 1986 he was in awe. Bryan was 6 years old. He played for endless
hours. He beat Zelda in a few hours, he
mastered Kung Fu like an expert. Like
many kids his age he was instantly hooked.
"I was only 6 when I started but I remember feeling
such a sense of accomplishment every time I'd finish a level or beat a game. Then I my dad bought me a copy of that
mind-fuck of a shit-hole game. That
thing was forged in hell and shit out of the ass of Satan himself."
The game was Super Mario Brother. It was the source of countless happy
childhood memories for most children of the 80's. Not for Bryan. For Bryan it was the
instrument that drove him to the edge of insanity for nearly 3 decades. His life spun into a spiral of frustrated
depression and obsession. Try as he
might, Bryan could not make his way past World 3 of the classic video game.
"Level 3-1 can suck my ass. The Hammer Brothers are impenetrable
assassins. Those assholes would take all my lives. Then if I'd manage to get to Bowser, that
cocksucker would shoot a fireball up my ass.
Whoever designed that game was a flaming shithead. I could have gone to college and had a real
life but I couldn't let that rotten bastard beat me. I did it.
I finally won."
Even at 6-years-old, he obsessed over every detail of the
game. He'd sit at school and plan every jump and map out every level. He carried this obsession into adulthood,
hoping desperately to devise a plan that would eventually bring him the closure
he'd been craving since before he could remember. Every waking minute was spent
plotting and scheming. Failure just fueled his obsession.
And that was his life for the next 27 years...until
yesterday.
"Nobody told me there was a fucking warp! I could have just gone right by the goddamn
thing the whole time. What a pile of shit. I hope the guy that designed this
game lost the use of his testicles in a hunting accident."
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