Lexington,
KY: The
McDonald's corporation has decided to
take a stand against the recent changes to the laws governing beverage size
within New York City limits. They feel
that the laws were solely aimed at casting a negative light on the fast food
industry. As a reaction to the laws, McDonald's announced its plans to release a burger that is far worse than even
the biggest portion of soda.
The new burger,
“The Annihilator,” will feature 25 strips of bacon, 24 slices of American cheese,
a fried egg, five ounces of nacho cheese sauce, five ounces of mayonnaise and 12 all beef patties on a
buttered, sesame seed bun. The burger
weighs seven pounds and has a weeks worth of calories per 12 ounce portion.
McDonald's
CEO Mike Morris says the introduction of the new burger is necessary to protect
their brand from health conscious, fringe lobbyists. He feels the laws are hypocritical in nature and just another example of the government overstepping its boundaries.
"If you’re
counting calories then you should go eat at some pussy restaurant like Subway
or that stupid chicken place that hates gay people. While you’re at it, you should schedule an appointment to have your testicles removed. You obviously don’t need them. Even if you
live to be 120 you'd be living a miserable hollow life of rationing carbs, walking
on a Stairmaster and shitting yourself to sleep every night. McDonald's is all
about living for the moment, dancing clowns and belly fat. Shrinking drink
sizes isn't going to stop us. It just pisses us off."
Morris
says that the laws are not only cumbersome to business but they will have
little or no affect on consumer's health.
"Are
you kidding me with these bullshit soda laws? We have a grilled chicken salad on the menu that has 1500 calories and you’re talking about a little pop. Have you hippy lunatics all lost your goddamn minds? Obesity is our business and business is booming. We aren't going to stop until every person in
great country is dripping with burger fat and blown up like a sad dying whale."
Morris
went on to say that the fast food giant may take its protest a step further and
employ more unconventional methods to circumvent the new laws.
"We
might just get rid of cups completely and just let everybody drink straight
from the spigot. We'll put one in every table and let people drink until
everyone is so fat and bloated from the carbonation that they burst apart at
the seams. We didn't get to be the leading fast food chain in the world by
chance. We know what people want."
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