Fake News and Stuff

Tuesday, June 25

Man Claims Spiritual Awakening Responsible for Curing Troublesome Parasitic Ailment

Chicago, IL: 43-year-old hairdresser Rex Schmidt had never been a religious man. He was raised Catholic but, over the years, lost touch and didn't give it much thought as he went about his adult life. Then everything changed.

Schmidt was diagnosed with Pthirus gorillae, a particularly invasive form of the parasitic ailment crabs. It didn't take long until the infection became unmanageable. Every day was a struggle. His friends and coworkers noticed him constantly scratching and prodding and pulling and tugging. He couldn't sleep. He’d occasionally take dip in the pool at his condo or spray himself with a one of the shampoo guns at work for a minute of relief. He was always focused finding the next moment of fleeting comfort. Without health insurance he didn't know what else to do. That's when he came across an ad for a spiritual healer. 

"I did some research. I read about people being cured of cancer and all these terrible diseases. I figured if they could do that, a little case of crabs should be no problem. It’s a lot cheaper than going to a doctor."

So Schmidt turned to his faith. He'd been living with the parasitic genital condition since early February and felt like this was the only way to find the help he desired. He attended an event near his home in suburban Chicago and says his life has not been the same since.

"I went to this big convention with all these sick people, on crutches and being wheeled around. It was so much fun with all this music and dancing and people waving rattlesnakes in the air. The preacher kept screaming, ‘Ask for forgiveness and ye shall be healed.’ 

"I just kept screaming, 'Please God, I'll never pick up another woman at a truck stop or pay someone for a golden shower ever again. Please have mercy on me. This really itches. Have mercy on me!’ I'll be damned if they didn't clear up the next day. I don't know how else to explain it. It was a true miracle, Divine Intervention.

"For the most part I've stuck to my promise. I’m involved in almost no more illegal sex trafficking, no matter how good of a deal the girls on the corner cut me."

Cardinal Thomas McClain has been following Schmidt’s case closely since it was first reported on a local news outlet. He has doubts about that faith played a role in Schmidt's recovery. 

"Now, I can't speak for God's Divine plan but I'm pretty sure it doesn't work like that. I suggest Mr. Schmidt seeks medical treatment and possibly be locked in prison. I can’t believe I even have to answer questions about this nonsense."

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