Deceased Homeless Man Found to Actually be Jesus

DNA testing confirmed that a Homeless man, who was found on the side of the New Jersey Turnpike, has been identified as Jesus.  As the shocking facts come to light thousands of mourners are flocking to New Jersey pay homage to religion's biggest star.

Jesus was the most high profile member of the holy trinity but he was thought to have been deceased for 2013 years.  With the cause of death unclear, researchers decided to run the DNA sample through the CODIS database.  The hit they found was shocking as it matched DNA from the Shroud of Turin, the garment Jesus was known to be laid to rest in after his death in year 0.

How he came to New Jersey is unclear but investigators are beginning to piece together a picture of Jesus’ life over the last few months.  Unable to find a job as a carpenter, Jesus spent most of his days wondering the streets performing various miracles and playing the lute on the street corner.

A New Jersey couple was the last to see him alive. They had reportedly thrown a pickled egg at him earlier that day. They regret not stopping to pick him up.

"Christ? I really missed a big opportunity there. Had I have known I definitely would have stopped. That would have gotten me a reality show for sure. At very least I wouldn't have thrown that rotten egg at him from my speeding car. Although, when it exploded on his head it was pretty funny.  He should have worked out, got a tan and took some pride in himself."

A local salon owner, from near the aqueduct that Jesus spent most of his time, said Jesus did seem a little different from most of the homeless people he'd come across.

"He told me he forgave me after I kicked over his shopping cart. I thought that was a little weird," said Mario Anontti. "It made me feel kind of bad so I pushed him into a pile of putrid garbage and walked away. I hated him hanging around my shop all day. He'd keep performing all these magic tricks and silly nonsense that no one cared about. They all thought his little magic show was faked.  Looking back I guess resurrecting a family of four that died in a car wreck was a pretty advanced trick for an amateur.   Still, you’ve got to do a lot more than that to impress a guy from Jersey.  Bada bing!"

He went on to say that it was a simple mistake and that he regrets not having taken the heavenly figure more seriously.

"Do you how many homeless guys living here have long beards and sandals? How was I supposed to know one of them would turn out to be the second coming of our holy father? Every one of those lunatics is claiming to be Jesus or Gandhi of the Emperor of Rome. I can't possibly take them all seriously."

Devout catholic Marge Johnson said says she's glad to have met Jesus but she thinks he could have made better decisions in his second coming.

"Homeless people are a scourge. I don't care who their daddies are. Get a job. One that pays.  I have as much compassion as the next girl but we've got to think about property value. The things that really matter in life he just didn't seem to care about. Everyone knows that making lots of money, driving a nice car and showing off all your nice things is the only way to get respect. This is America you know. Material possessions and money are what makes the world go ‘round.  Get yourself a job, a line a credit then bada bang, you got yourself some respect."